Life decisions...Mamma Mia!

September 21, 2009

Cara plays philosopher for the evening while reflecting about life choices on a bridge--she goes overboard. I bet this will freak you out-but I'm honest about my thoughts! haha:

Where can a future be found?
Where can it be built?
How do you choose a way?
When the divergence is so great.
What is wasting time?
What is the uselessness of veering?
What is straight? What is sure?
What is a wrong choice?
What is repercussion?
What is interest, what is passion?
What is applicable, what is lacking?
What is pointless activity?
Why do we deem “no purpose”?
Productivity vs. recreation…
What is the separation?
What is place, what is priority?
The importance of your steps.
When is it giving up?
The wrong timing.
Bowing out, bowing in.
Did I leave before the show?
Popcorn, soda, anticipation.
Stage fright or wrong theater.
What are my goals, in what order?
What does it matter?
Chance, opportunity, indigence.
Inspiration, luck, indulgence.
Confidence and faith
To what end?
Act now.
Acting.
To act.
Fear of the act.
Torn in directions.
Decision.
Place, time, moment.
Insert: happiness
Much to do-
Much to wonder.


I'm crazy!! This is what came out of my “life” brainstorm tonight. I stopped to reflect on the way home from a “job interview” here in Milan to become a part-time babysitter. I decided to buy an ice cream cone and meditate about my life’s direction, where I am going, and what passion would have more sense for me to follow—what do I really want to accomplish, and what circumstance would facilitate this road. It all comes down to one main question: Is Italy the best place for me now or am I stalling on the commode? For the right reasons, that is…because Italy is a fabulously alluring commode if I do say so myself.

I started out making a really well-organized and pragmatic list—complete with pluses and minuses. I had a list of my job possibilities and a list of the USofA versus Italy. In the end, I thought about it hard, and I created an absurd “poem.” It is so productive and fitting considering my situation, right? Yeah.

My friend, and co-dreamer, KT, who is now living in Vienna sent me a message today. She asked if I wanted to spin on a mountain in Switzerland in December. Of course this takes my idea of pragmatism right out of the door, and it makes me not want to return to the US in December, spiting some kind of force to “do something with my life.” Maybe my act of resisting is only hurting my main passion in life, which is art and painting, or maybe I am being too hasty? Maybe my yearning to create art is holding me back from other creative and adventurous impulses, or maybe I have serious issues! Maybe I have ADD—give this girl some meds! But no antihistamines please.

I have been absent due to the fact that I’ve had no computer connection these few days, and I have been slightly preoccupied thinking about what direction I want to take with my life. I could stay in Italy until June, thereby prolonging my stay and most likely a stable platform to create art or a career in the US. However, leaving prematurely in Italy might land me with fewer art connections and experiences here on the boot. There is always the possibility of returning!

I have the option to teach art and art history to middle/high school students three days a week, thereby giving me the plausible opportunity to search for an internship or paint, or make murals until June in Italy. Taking this opportunity would mean I would remain in Italy, but the career-enhancing opportunities are always hypothetical hopes. Becoming an art teacher to anyone but university students has never been a path I wanted to pursue as a young artistic career. Hmmm. Therefore, I would be doing precarious work until December? Hmmm. The Italian school to which I am enrolled is definitely not worth continuing—the education and certificate are not meeting my expectations.

Ohh don’t worry, this is only 1/5th of my thoughts—I will spare you the rest.

Anyways, I collected my thoughts along the big naviglio waterway, eating a gelato and pondering about "the next steps" of my life. I find that the commotion of the Naviglio helps me think as all the noises level out to a low background hum. Choruses of conversation, laughter, one laugh that sputters like a low machine-gun dadadadadadada....dadadadadada.....dadadadadada with cricket intervals, clink, clink-clinks of glasses, far away traffic horns and ambulance sirens, flashing car lights dashing by---it puts me at ease. The life of the Naviglio is so vibrant and buzzing, and it is lovely to be the bystander sitting on the bridge watching the chorus in action. Quiet libraries make me anxious, and I usually have the urge to pee when it is too quiet. I try to make sound because the solitude distracts me!

Last night I went to the Milan Film festival to watch a the winner of the "lungometraggio," or "long films." It was a Japanese film that made me want to jump out of my skull it was so painfully stagnant in its slow-rhythm, black and white, still camera, lifeless, minimal composition. It was about Japanese teens that close themselves in their rooms for years because they are scared to function in the real world, like it lost its meaning for them. I dont know--in the end everyone thought that it was very artistic and well made, and on that fact I guess I can't argue. However, a few said, "You know that actually happens in Japan?" I respond: I would imagine that it happens all over the world--people or teenagers that shut themselves out of the functioning world. But hell, what do I know--maybe this is a Japanese teenager phenomenon. In any case, a 2-hour movie about it might have better been served in 1 hour. I was going crazy. You want those teenagers to leave their rooms?--show them this film!!! When we got outside, the monotonous intensity of the film was contrasted by a zany Brasilian band singing lively and folky songs in Portugese. That is the end of my story.