Murals and more...

September 2, 2009

I was practically sleeping with the paintbrush in my hand today in the hospital. I woke up without any problem, hopped out of bed and made myself some coffee. However my energy came to a dead standstill as 11 hit. I really had to struggle to finish a respectable portion of the mural, and at one point I considered sleeping on the dirty ground. I stopped listening to Italian music, and I put on the most upbeat song I could find to urge myself to pick up the brush and paint colors everywhere.

You know, I would never have to be paid to do what I love were it not for the reality that I need to earn money. That being said, the physical toll that painting these murals for hours upon end is nearly too much for my act of goodwill towards children and the hospital to be satisfying. I found my other experience painting hospital murals more rewarding because I was able to interact with the children and see how my work was changing the atmosphere. Anyways, it is just hard to not feel like a total jackass painting on ladders with my body falling apart with ache. I am alone all day painting in a hospital, in Milan. My only interaction comes with the frequent workers, project planners, or janitors that are in charge of preparing this new wing of the hospital. Maybe I will be more content when I see the finished product, but right now I just want to freaking finish them!

I must be an idiot—I will have very little money in my checking account after I finish paying rent and my security deposit, and I have less US dollars in my American bank account. Given the continuation of the horrible exchange rate, they won’t be worth much. Wow. And here I am, painting murals for free in a hospital—more murals than I can afford to paint for free. Unbelievable. Instead I should start looking for jobs for a portion of my day. Maybe I will look early tomorrow morning before heading to the hospital. I really wish I could find a nice job. Do you think that my kind acts will hold favor with God to cut me a break? Or would God say, Cara you are foolish—you should have job searched earlier. “I did job search earlier, months ago, but my promised “job” screwed me over!” Maybe I’m trying to hard to be here, to do here—or maybe I’m missing the point—or maybe it is easier than it looks—maybe I should ask for more help—maybe I’m helpless---Maybe I should just enjoy myself and take it with a lighter outlook.

Okay…enough of that. Other than my extreme exhaustion…I am good. I just had a long day. My other roommate joined us tonight, and now we are in 4 because we have another girl that will be staying with us for a month. They went out tonight at midnight after Arianna arrived in Milan from her home in Puglia, but I was too tired. Oh well…hopefully another time. On that note, I will go to bed.

As I was writing this, Mark wrote to me and we started having a Gchat conversation. I vented a bit. At the end he said:

:Well I just wanted to say before you go…I really believe that you were given some really amazing gifts…and I think you were meant to share them in a lot of ways…and I think this could be one of them. I think it would be bad if someone with your talent spent too much time worrying about bills etc. I think God gave you those gifts to share. That is not to say it’ll always be easy for you…but I think you are doing what you were meant to do…and I couldn’t be more proud or happy when I think about you.”

Sometimes it is hard to hang out with Matteo when I know Mark is at home.